That man ain’t gay, he just hates you!
I have a firm stance regarding outing folks. No one should have their sexuality, gender orientation, or any other information disclosed without their consent. The world is much too dangerous a place, especially for members of the LGBTQ+ community–exponentially so for those of us at the intersection of race, gender, and sexuality. Recently, however, there seems to be an uptick in content creators who have been sensationalizing the exposure of down-low men or ascribing them the title based on behaviors perceived as feminine or gay. It is a filthy practice. A disgusting one, seeking notoriety and some money. I believe anyone who makes a hobby or career of doing so can quite literally go straight to hell. However, this is not for the content creators. This is for the consumers. This is for the overwhelming supporters, who, in my peripheral vision, have been Black women.
I’ll admit, I tend to have higher expectations of Black women. Hope us all to be less susceptible to bullshit, particularly when it is rooted in -phobias and -isms. We have been oppressed far too much for far too long to perpetuate oppression, and yet, as a Black queer gender non-conforming woman, it would be dishonest to say I am surprised. I am no stranger to homophobia in the Black community. Black women have often been the most vitriolic, given their inability to fetishize bisexual and lesbian women the same way men can. Compound this with their commitment to the Church, and Black women have been primed to spew hatred in the name of religion, ignorance, and loathing. Still, it’s hard to reconcile the blatant disregard and disgust they exemplify, the quickness with which they weaponize homophobia, and the lengths some will go to justify it.
The most notable weaponization is the subjugation of the sassy man. The terms “sassy” and “zesty” are used to denigrate Black men or presume their desires and proclivities to engage sexually with other men. It is often used when men deviate from masculinity as defined by white patriarchal standards. This could be expressing too much emotion, expecting reciprocity, or something else. Also, and unfortunately so, it has also turned it into a tactless insult when men enact forms of misogyny.
Somewhere along the way, Black women have started to conflate contempt with repressed homosexuality. Mistaken a desire to humble and humiliate us by arguing, insulting, rejecting, or flat out abusing us to mean these men are undercover as opposed to being deeply ingrained in a cultural and global practice of hating Black women. So instead of reconciling that the men we love perhaps do not love us the same, we resort to homophobia in an attempt to coddle our egos and disassociate from reality. The truth is, Black men are showcasing exactly what it means to be a Black woman under the boot of white supremacist patriarchy.
Misogyny/misogynoir is a hard concept to confront, albeit an easy one to internalize. And homophobia is an easy scapegoat when the Black community has long deemed it unacceptable and grounds for damnation. It is far more comforting to say these men do not view women as the objects of their attraction than to say they view us as the easy targets for their resentment. Nevertheless, using homophobia as a shield to minimize the rejection and harm of men is a dangerous game, one that both women and the LGBTQ+ community will not win. Equating harm against women with homosexuality reinforces the idea that queer folks are somehow a danger to society. Attributing this abuse to sexuality takes us further from the fight of Black Feminists before us to be viewed as equals by absolving men from the work they must do to dismantle patriarchy. And much to my dismay, it allows Black women to disregard the work we must also do to deconstruct our participation in homophobia and misogyny.
We try to justify this behavior under the guise of protection. I know the statistics of Black women contracting AIDS/HIV, STIs, and other STDs. I understand the desire for transparency & clarity on potentially risky behaviors. The issue is, these concerns seem to be more vehemently vocalized when they include homosexuality and not nearly as potent for men who have multiple partners, though heterosexual. Bisexual and gay men have become more dangerous than the physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive Black men that many Black women continue to shelter and platform. So perhaps it’s time to admit that you fear homosexuality more than misogyny. Maybe it’s time to acknowledge that the male gaze you so desperately want is clouding your judgment.
A man not wanting to partner with you does not make him gay. It is more likely that he just doesn’t want you. A man willing to argue with and curse you out does not make him sassy; he probably just takes pleasure in demeaning you. Hyper-sexual men who are content to be a womanizer aren’t inherently gay, but it is wholly possible he simply hates all women, despite his desire to fuck them. Misogyny and homosexuality are not mutually exclusive theories. Openly gay or bisexual men are not exempt from misogyny, and straight men do not automatically disavow it just because they have sex with women (see the racist white girl and her Black baby daddy). And while homophobia and misogyny are distinct oppressive theologies, neither can be dismantled when we refuse to confront both of them directly and their interconnectivity. So maybe we can come to a consensus and call a thing a thing, and the word you are looking for is misogyny/misogynoir.
Dive deeper with me on Youtube.
LeChell Rush 